"Hello, I'd like to order some semen. Got a couple of questions first. Is it a fresh lot? What kind of results have other people been getting with this donor? I'm especially interested in the daughter's udder size. Oh, and can you send it out today for overnight delivery? I think my females are ovulating."

Be glad you don't have to put together a online dummies guide to palpating a cow.

(You aren't the only one who unexpectantly ended up intwined with bovines)